backpacks and beach cows: a love story pt.1

Claire Stachelrodt descended upon me like a flaming comet in the exact moment I didn’t know I needed her. The best part is that she never really gave me a choice. My entire life I’ve been desperately seeking the love and affection of everyone, to the point of certain abuse. I’ve bent over backwards to gain the approval of people that I thought deserved it. Claire, though, Claire came to me. She probably doesn’t know this, honestly, it’s pretty embarrassing. It’s so grown up, it’s so romantic. I’d really and truly die for this person without thinking twice. If this story wasn’t about us, I’d gag.

We’re nothing alike, me and Claire. We think differently, we see differently, we hear differently, we smell differently and yet, two people could hardly be more in sync. Not possible, you say? Well, here you go. We’re about to prove you so wrong you’ll rethink every friendship you’ve ever had. 

I know what you’re thinking: bullshit. This is some “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” baloney. Nay. This is deep and delicious and frankly it’s fucking poetic. We’ve been all over the planet together so this is also a story for women on the road. We’ve seen it all. We’ve been far and fast. We’ve learned the hard lessons and it’s only made us closer.

I’m not saying I’m trying to inspire you or anything. I don’t really care. You’ll like it, but this is for Claire.

•••

2018 was a bizarre year. I was unknowingly, between adolescence and whatever societal adulthood constitutes. I had way too many friends and absolutely none of them cared about me. I didn’t  realize it at the time, but they were drinking buddies at best. Due to my deep and unsettling lack of understanding of female connection, I moved in with a severely unstable roommate named Jessica. It wasn’t that bad at first. She was misguided and conceited but that wasn’t unusual in Los Angeles. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was about to experience a biblical bi-polar event and I was going to be the target. 

Foolishly, I had been there for Jessica to support her through a break up with a dude who lived in a van. He was cool but… you know, he loved his van. They hated each other. Jessica had never been outside of the United States, which I found to be horrifying and possibly the cause of her minuscule perspective on the way the world functions. I suggested she get out of town for a while to recover. Somehow, some way, that escalated to us booking a trip to Thailand together. It was cheap, tourist friendly, and tropical. I couldn’t think of a better place for her to experience things that would make a person forget their problems. So, off we went. I hadn’t planned on taking her on her vision quest but the allure of an island vacation was blinding so I agreed to go.I prefer to fly by the seat of my short shorts but Jessica needed structure. We planned the whole thing out. We booked tickets and made plans that optimized our two weeks in Thailand in a pretty fantastic way. It would have been the perfect trip…  if she hadn’t turned out to be a complete lunatic. 

I hate that she’s such a big part of this story because it feels like poison every time I think about her. It feels like I should force myself to vomit and “Eternal Sunshine” myself but unfortunately, she is pivotal to the real story: how I met my Claire. 

Beijing 

Our flight from Los Angeles connected in Beijing. Jessica handled the 12 hour flight like a champ but the moment we landed in China, she fell to shit. We exited the boarding bridge and she immediately panicked. She was overcome with anxiety about the excessive signs in unrecognizable characters. I explained that we just needed to follow the crowd through customs but she simply did not accept that. I thought it best to just let her spin out for a moment while the flow of people went by in the obviously correct direction. I tried not to show my frustration as I watched the line build up in front of us. 

Just then, a yellow- haired angel frantically pushed her way through the stream of off-boarding travelers, waving at us. Her arm was fully extended, moving back and forth, flagging us down with the force of a hundred windmills. 

It was Claire. I still think of her from this moment all the time. 

Nearly out of breath, she finally reached me and Jessica. My vision was blurry and my brain couldn’t compute what was happening. I never get that lucky. The coolest girl on the plane never wants to talk to me. I just assumed she was rushing to meet her fellow insta-worthy companion who must have been lingering behind me. 

Jessica was driving me insane. I was growing tired of her naivety already. I’d begun to regret my decision to allow this human barnicle to cling to me for an entire fortnight. Reality was setting in. There was hardly any space to realize that my future best friend was among us. I all-but blew her off, to my own retrospective horror. I sadly don’t even remember her first words to me. That didn’t matter, though. Thankfully, Claire was persistent.

I was finally able to herd Jessica to customs and Claire merrily trotted near us, ready to pounce again. Once we entered the long cue to get through the checkpoint, she pried me open like a fresh oyster. “Where are you guys from? Where are you going? Do you have plans?” Every fiber of me is deliciously jealous of her ability to do this. I have a reputation for being a slow burn. I’m not totally sure why that is but I can be a real stink on first-approach. I don’t feel that way on the inside but I’ve had a few people tell me I could lighten up around strangers. It’s a constant journey and my therapist says I’m making medium strides. I suppose that’s all we can hope for in life. 

Claire spent the better part of an hour slurping out my oystery insides, metaphorically, of course. Claire is a staunch vegan so she would never partake in actual oysters. I love this about her. I don’t have the stones to go all the way because I am weak for cheese and seafood. 

The three of us made our way through customs slowly and Jessica faded into the background. She attempted to inject herself into mine and Claire’ s fast and hilarious banter but, since she is neither funny nor quick, she failed.

Now, I am truly not proud of this. Nobody should be led to feel excluded. It’s a horrible feeling and I am also fairly certain it makes normal-born folks into serial killers. This single occurrence may, or may not, have caused Jessica to become the irreparable monster she is today. I accept that. We just couldn’t help it. Claire and I were on fire. 

Eventually, we made it through the customs booth and were declared to be “not a threat” during our brief 2-hour layover in China. We-two-stooges pranced through Duty Free chit-chatting like old mates while Jessica trailed behind us, starting to understand the situation. Again, I’m really not proud but sometimes love hurts. We did try, though. Claire was especially good at trying to include Jessica in conversation, but admittedly, I wished Jessica wasn’t even there anymore. I realize this defines me as a terrible person but I was positively blinded by the immediate infatuation I had for Claire. Sue me. 

We boarded the plane after a short walk around the terminals and Claire proceeded to check-mate my heart. She walked us to our seats, saw the third man in our row, and fully convinced him to switch seats with her. I don’t remember her exact words but it was something along the lines of “Hi there, how would you like a fantastic window seat 10 rows up with extra leg room? I’d really love to sit in your seat and I’m willing to trade.” My jaw dropped. I simply could never. She didn’t know this man. He owed her nothing and yet, she took it. He happily agreed and immediately evacuated his seat. She plopped down and casually resumed our chat. If actual cartoon hearts weren’t spewing from my eyes, I’d be shocked. Our story wasn’t over. She just sealed the deal. We were doing this. 

We spent the 5 hour flight from Beijing to Bangkok annoying the living crap out of everyone on our flight with our full-volume laughs… but none-more than Jessica. By the time we landed, she was a zombie. I could be wrong but I actually think Jessica was situated between us. She may have been at the window but it really doesn’t matter. She may as well have been a total stranger at this point. She hated me… and I didn’t care. Before the plane landed, Claire and I were already making plans. She was meant to meet her friend Sarah, who I was already totally jealous of. Fortunately, as it turns out, Sarah and I get on like peas and carrots but, in that moment, I wished that Claire was my companion for Thailand. It seemed like fate and who were we to disagree with fate? We were merely humans. 

We, including Jessica, decided that we would meet up in Bangkok with Sarah to, at least, have one night together. I think Jessica probably assumed that Sarah would neutralize the situation but she was very wrong. 

To be continued…